You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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