If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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