I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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