After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
