Whats the glycemic index on semen?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
