I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
