Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
