I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
