When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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