i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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