I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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