I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
