thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Be still, my beating vagina.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
