screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
