I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
