i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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