69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
