if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Randomize
