Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
