Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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