I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
