i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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