haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
