my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
