Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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