sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
