i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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