Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
