Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
