What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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