"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
