I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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