My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
