Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
