In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
