you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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