The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
