I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
