when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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