I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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