took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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