I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
