Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
