i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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