youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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