Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Im part way to drunk.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
