I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
