i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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