My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
