We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
